It has been 2 years and 10 days since our plane landed on Cambodian soil and I breathed in the heavy humid air of almost-rainy season. We piled our suitcases into a tuk-tuk, weaved through traffic and I fell in love with the city and all its charms and strange ways.
Oh, to go back to that day, the excitement and great plans, the daring hope and innocent expectations of what was to come in this journey. I didn’t know about the struggle, of seeing things that hurt my heart, pushing through days when motivation went into hiding and staying at home locked in my room sounded like a thoroughly enjoyable proposition. I didn’t know I would see friends’ loved ones die. I didn’t know I would see so many depths of my own weaknesses, so many it overwhelmed me.
Yet, here I am two years later, having lived and breathed in this place, settled in and loved and been loved in return. God has felt far away and He has felt very close, proving His faithfulness to me more times than I deserve. I have doubted Him sometimes, doubted my ability. I often wonder why I am here. Of all the people God could send, why me? Sometimes I am overwhelmed with gratefulness to a God who uses me for His glory in spite of all my faults. Other times the answer to this question is almost enough to hit purchase on a one-way ticket home because it doesn’t feel like enough, I don’t feel like enough. But HE is enough. That is what He is teaching me in this season.
This song has been pouring into some of the dry places of my heart, reminding me of the purpose of my life and the bigger picture of God’s glory. You can learn more about Ben, catch a preview of this song, get the chord sheet and purchase his music on his website: www.benzornes.com.
“Because I Love You ” by Ben Zornes (from the album All Things to Me)
Oh Prince and Ruler of my heart
I know I’ve only seen a part
Of all your humble agonies
Which you endured to rescue me
A thousand hearts would be too few
To full love and treasure you
But I have just one heart to give
So here it is and may it be your throne
So whether I live or I die
May this be the chorus of my parting cry
May the passion and the purpose of my life
Be summarized in glorifying Christ
You are the overwhelming yearning of my soul
No matter what I must endure I’ll gladly go
Because I love you, Lord
Because I love you, Lord
I truly long to bring you praise
As I walk the narrow way
So wean my soul of earthly things
By purging me through pain and suffering
Though all the world would mock your truth
I’ll delight to follow you
Not like a duty-driven Pharisee
But from a joyful heart that loves you, Lord